Thursday, April 15, 2021

Jane Begala

An Expanding Heart

Lately, after what felt like a too-long Lent, I am aware that transformation is active not just in the world around me – but literally inside me. After a long journey through a deep personal darkness over the past few years, my heart has re-emerged into a wholeness that is blessed. It is blessed by the support of a wonderful circle of women at St. John’s, Ann Tarlton most notably for her role as a strong and fearless angel in our midst. I’ve been blessed also in showing up for the work facilitated by a local St. Ignatius program, and by the basic fortitude gifted to me by a God of grace. And I’ve been blessed by a lay counselor grounded in Christianity and by the good and regular counsel of our own Associate Rector, Anne Williamson.

I say that my heart has “re-emerged”….words are so difficult to find to precisely describe the transformative nature of a heart once broken into pieces and coming back to life. As St. Ignatius would say, the more I/we express our humanity by loving, healing, forgiving, serving, and even rejoicing….the more our own divinity or holiness is revealed.

God gave me back my heart. But what I am so surprised by is how expansive the journey continues to be. My heart continues to accept -- those things that we can change and those things that we cannot change, i.e., the world as it comes at us. My heart continues to open (and yet learn what is appropriate self-protection). And the smallest gestures of living by following in the steps of Jesus help me find meaningful purpose again. Step by step. It can be as simple as opening a door for someone that I acknowledge and accompany through that door!

I continue to trust God to lead me. It is a daily practice of prayer. I continue to take time to heal. It is a daily practice of prayer.

Guide me,

Holy One,

Into an unclenched moment,

a deep breath,

a letting go of heavy expectancies,

of shriveling anxieties,

of dead certainties,

that, softened by the silence

surrounded by the light,

and open to the Mystery,

I may be found by wholeness,

Upheld by the unfathomable,

Entranced by the simple,

And filled with the joy that is You.

-Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle (San Diego: Luramedia, 1984)