Tuesday, March 22, 2022
Fran Meffen
Returning to SJC in-person
This past Sunday I returned to church in person for the first time in over two years. Gathering the courage to attend started with Lizzy Bristow sharing her reflection and the two of us connecting via Anne. Through corresponding with each other, sharing our stories of going to a place where there was the sadness of not having our parents also sitting there beside us helped to get me thinking about going back.
Coming to church was a huge step for many reasons but when asked by Rob if I would share I thought that this was God’s way of opening up my heart and being vulnerable as part of my Lenten journey and that it might help light a path for others who are working to return; working to follow the light and feel God’s love and grace.
Over the past year I have been struggling with the reemergence of a chronic illness that I have, Meniere’s Disease(MD), which has no cure and causes spontaneous episodes of severe vertigo. This had been in remission for several years but with its return I tried a treatment 6 months ago to alleviate the vertigo. I had a severe reaction landing me in the hospital for two weekends in a row amidst the COVID surge and am still working with specialists in Boston. That trauma was just the icing on the cake for a time that I would characterize as the perfect storm for me, retiring after decades as a school counselor, a job I loved, during what has to be described as the most emotionally exhausting period in education as we dealt with the physical, emotional and mental impact of COVID. The mental health impact was and is huge and I had simply done what I always did and stuffed all of my own stress, anxiety and depression down to make room for the 300 kids under my care along with teachers and staff who needed so much support. Needless to say when I stopped the world around me crumbled and I had to find help. The first place that came from was from Anne and Rob’s sermons as I watched church on my computer from the refuge of home. I then got out a book I had “Everyday Serenity” and downloaded the podcast that Anne suggested “Pray as you Go” and started listening to it each day. It was this that brought me back to my spiritual home which I had been missing for way too long.
Sunday morning I asked my husband Jack, my steadfast partner and chauffeur, if he would drive me to church and he said of course, (I am still not driving long distances because of the MD). I arrived and who parks right next to us but Helen and Myrt, both of whom I had been writing to and who were so happy to see me, even a hug from Myrt. I can tell you that my anxiety was racing but I made it into church and sat down with tears flowing but I was there in person with other people. I took many deep breathes and when I saw Lizzy walk in that gave me that extra bit of courage I needed to sit and stay. Service started and I kept reminding myself that God was right there sitting next to me and surrounding me with His/Her love. I listened to Rob’s sermon and the thing that stuck out for me about his words on repentance were that you had to turn and pay attention. This Sunday my attention was on my relationships within the parish that continue to bring me hope while I am healing mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. While Anne thanked me for the notes I had been writing her, again it was her sermon on the importance of words that has kept me reaching out and writing notes as I suggested in my last reflection.
I am so grateful to those at St. John’s who have helped to give me the strength and courage to attend church in person but I want to say to everyone that whether you attend in person, on screen or read the daily reflections God is with us every day, his love knows no limits and she is beside you and within every cell of your body to comfort and help you in your struggles and rejoice with you when you have moments of joy in your life. So if you can come in person and my words have helped you walk through the fear that is wonderful but however your spirit is being fed is what is most important. Each in due time.
PS – I was sent a prayer square by Jack’s sister which is another anchor for me.I am now knitting squares and sending them to others.If you are a knitter perhaps this is something you can do as a Lenten Practice.