Thursday, February 4, 2021
Graham Phillips
Listen
As I trained to be an educator, I was taught that my role should be more as a guide in the process of learning, rather than as an expert who disseminated knowledge and information. In the classroom, I have always kept that in the back of my mind, but despite my best intentions, I have often found myself telling my students what to do and how to do it instead of stepping back and allowing the student to experience the learning process. Upon reflection, I can see that I have done a lot more talking and telling and a lot less guiding and listening in my life outside the classroom as well. Although I have not always been aware of this, it has been something that, when brought to my attention, I have consistently put little time or energy addressing. However, as the path of my life has continued, the theme of listening has continued to circle back to me and I find myself working on being a better listener in an effort to improve self-concept and my relationship with those who are most important to me.
This Fall, while supporting some of my students on a project they were doing about effective habits of successful people, I came upon the following poem and it stopped me in my tracks.
Listening has been a central topic in my counseling sessions, and when I read it, the message was clear. I am not listening. When I shared this poem with my wife Tara, she told me that it was one of her favorites from when she was in school. Here is the poem.
Please Listen: A Poem by Leo Buscaglia
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn– and I will listen to you.
*This is not the full version of the poem, but it is the version that was included in the materials for the class project. The full poem has some additional verses, which are very powerful, but this version speaks to me.
Listening is really about giving. Giving your time and attention to someone or something else. I find that I often fail at being a good listener because while I am “listening”, I am thinking about what I am going to say in response. My mind is full of thoughts that are centered on myself, and not centered on the other. In these instances, I am not really listening at all.
Taking time to listen to the world around us has immense benefit. We often make assumptions and prejudgments about others based on all sorts of factors. We feel that we already know what they are about and so we don’t listen. And even when we are “listening”, our prejudgments cloud what we hear. We can all learn a lot from each other if we were to just really listen.
Listening isn’t about hearing. Listening requires a deeper investment, and conveys a message of caring. Listening seeks understanding. The world could use more people truly listening to each other. My wife, my children, my friends, my students and co-workers all deserve my full attention and focus, undisrupted from my desire to say my piece or solve their problems. I am still working on that.
Of course listening isn’t only reserved for others. We have our own inner compass that we listen to (or sometimes don’t). Our bodies constantly send us messages that let us know what is going on and what we should or should not do. Being able to listen to our own body and soul is just as important as our ability to listen to others.
Do you need a boost in energy, or want to relax? Do you need to focus and concentrate on what you are doing or do you want to dance? Do you want to feel happy, or connect to some sadness that I am experiencing. Listening to music has the power to evoke effectual emotional responses and transport me to different places in my mind and soul.
I especially enjoy having experiences in the natural world. Certainly the visual beauty of our natural world is extremely enticing to me, but in my mind, the natural world really comes alive when I close my eyes. Focusing on the sounds of nature when I am outside can be a magical experience.
In the end, I know that if I take time to listen. To really listen, to others, to myself, to the world around me, that I will be a kinder, more understanding and compassionate person, and the world will be better for that.
When Father Rob reached out to me this week and asked me if I would write the weekly reflection, I knew I was going to say yes, even before I saw my topic. I have not been connected with St. John’s at all since the start of the Pandemic and, generally speaking, I am not a religious or spiritual person. However, I do see times when the world works in mysterious ways and at times it seems that the world sends me messages. Rob’s sermons have often been able to reach me at times that I needed reaching out to. I feel that Rob’s asking me to do the reflection this week is one of those times when the world is telling me something. I am listening, and I am looking forward to the day when I can sit in the pews at St. Johns and listen to what Father Rob has to say.