Monday, July 18, 2022
Charlie Bickford
Enduring Cancer
I hesitate to write my thoughts about my cancer for several reasons: one, in my parents’ time, talking about personal health problems was not acceptable (we are now post Oprah); secondly is anything I have to say really new or useful? Who knows, but here goes.
The first thing I feel about serious illness is that it is somewhat akin to sin—that is, it can separate one from from God and others. Sickness is all consuming and forces you into yourself. Energy, will power, strength ebb away leaving lassitude and procrastination in its midst. I, the compulsive daily list doer, the immediate bill payer, the one defined in part by my most interesting work, lost the energy to do or care about any of these things.
Although my friends and neighbors bestowed countless kind deeds, generosity, and good will on me, I felt it hard to rise to the occasion. Growing old demands one let go gracefully-- or not, but my sickness speeded up this detachment.
For instance, I hadn’t been or had a child go to a prom for decades, but I always felt connected to this Spring ritual when I read about senior proms, saw limousines hustling off, enjoyed the newspaper pictures. This year I had no interest. This may be a silly example but short hand for how illness separates one not only from friends but also from the activity of the community.
Many people say that sickness brings a new understanding and perspective of life that you can learn from sickness. No way. All it did was make me turn more inward. I just wondered how I would make it through the day and what new indignity I would have to accept. However, at the end of the day before sleeping, I tried to thank God for three good things that happened that day. Sometimes that was hard going.
Yet times change. Now I have had some months of immune therapy, the metastasized cancer is shrinking and I may have a period of remission. Now, I can revisit with pleasure and remember more fully the love and many kindnesses of my family and the community. I can rejoice in having some of my energy and mind back. Perhaps this is the gift from God. I know it is borrowed time, but I hope to enjoy it and perhaps learn something from this ordeal.
St. Paul says in Romans:
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I believe that is possible.