Friday, September 25, 2020
Kristi Baxter
Support
When I was six months pregnant with our twins, I dropped off our 3 ½ year son Charlie to his third day of preschool and went to an OB appointment. I was told to go home and go to bed and that I was on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. What? She meant laying down and not getting up until the babies were born. For Lee and I this was completely overwhelming, he commuted 1 ½ hours each way and we had no family nearby to help. We were, for all intents and purposes, on our own.
We were still relatively new to the area and while we had friends, we didn’t yet have the deep support network we thought we needed. To this day we were surprised by how people stepped in to help from caring for Charlie to shopping and making dinners. We barely cooked for 3 months as our friends and neighbors brought fabulous meals every night. We never asked, but the support came and kept coming. We were and continue to be filled with heartfelt gratitude for all of those who supported us during that time, but accepting help wasn’t easy for two independent, strong, self-sufficient people.
Like many, I’m happy to lend a helping hand or support others at the drop of a hat. I’ll cook, drive, listen, empathize, be a shoulder to cry on. I’m there for you. As a leadership and career coach, my profession is about supporting others and I love what I do. There is scientific data that giving help has powerful, positive neural effects which is likely one reason so many of us like to help- it feels good. Receiving support though pushed me out of my comfort zone and provided an a-ha moment. I realized that people want to help and receiving support brings the same joy to them as helping does to me. Receiving help can also make us feel vulnerable which, according to Brene Brown is actually a strength. Receiving support on the surface felt like a weakness, but in reality was a strength and brought joy to others. This realization dramatically changed how I feel about asking for and receiving help.
Support is also an individual pursuit. Perhaps the most overused analogy in coaching is the airplane oxygen mask- put on your own mask before helping others with theirs. Taking good care of ourselves allows us to be our best when others need us. Self-care has flourished in the shadow of COVID; caring for one’s self is not selfish but enables us to be selfless. I’m a seasoned wellness practitioner but am learning the value and practice of true self-care to be a better support for self and others. Boundaries, recharging my battery and m-“om”-ents are all things I’ve put into practice so I can be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend and neighbor.
The strange and surreal events of the last six months have impacted all of us leaving many of us with feelings of uncertainty, anxiety and fatigue and genuinely needing support, but also needing to give support to feel good. I often invoke Rob’s message about his mom who told him when he was feeling grumpy to go out and do something nice for someone else. It works. Especially in these crazy times we need to feel connected, to support and be supported.
As one who loves quotes, I leave you with a couple to think about.
“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” 1 Chronicles 16:11
“If you light a lamp for somebody it will also brighten your path.” Buddha
“Encourage, lift and strengthen one another. For the positive energy spread to one will be felt by us all. For we are connected one and all.” Deborah Day